Social Media : Five Stages of Grief

Depression:

Nothing.

A blank screen. An infinite mirror that we open daily.

We seek, we crave – maybe just to distract ourselves. We connect to a platform. We talk to a contact. We share a photo. We form a group chat.

And yet… if we really stop and feel these interactions, we grasp an uncomfortable truth:

This is not profound connection. This is not profound sharing. This is not what being connected with a group actually feels like.

Some time passes and we give these endless mirrors to our kids: “Here is your group chat. Here are your follower-friends. Share. (More content, please.)”

Doom-scroll. Fake news. Shit-post. Brain rot.

I guess my point is: Do you feel connected? And, how did we end up here?

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Denial:

I asked my friends what they would (ideally) do if they had more time.

“Spend some time in nature. Paint. Cook. Dance. Meet friends.”

Okay, but what about:

Watching advertisements? Watching random videos?

Reading hate comments?

“Oh no!” They all replied, “I wouldn’t spend any time on that.”

But wait… That’s what you are doing now. 

Couldn’t you substitute that time for activities you actually want to do?

Why are you doing something you don’t even like?

And there’s the problem.

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Bargaining:

Let’s start from the beginning. Soon you’ll see: It all started with pigeons.

Burrhus Frederic Skinner was an American psychologist who studied behavior, more specifically, how to condition and control it. He developed what became known as the “Skinner Box”, a device used in experiments where a mechanism would dispense food only when an animal performed a specific action.

Skinner discovered that rewarding certain actions in animals made them more likely to occur again. Likewise, removing a negative stimulus for an action also increased the chance that the animal would repeat it. Conversely, introducing a negative stimulus or removing a reward reduces the likelihood of repetition.

Skinner also found something unexpected: When the rewards were unpredictable, animals developed what he called “superstitious behaviors”. If food appeared when they performed a particular movement, they would repeat that movement, believing it caused the reward.

These ideas shaped American psychology for decades, giving rise to behaviorism – an approach emphasizing that behavior is primarily shaped by environmental stimuli rather than internal mental processes. But this only applies to pigeons, right?

I wish.

Thumbs-ups, hearts, the infinite scroll, notifications – all of it stems from this.

Let me introduce you to the Stanford Persuasive Technology Lab – now called the Behavior Design Lab – which was founded in 1998 to research how technology could influence and change human behavior. Unsurprisingly, key figures from Facebook and Instagram were involved in the lab’s work.

Here’s Sean Parker, founder of Napster and the first president of Facebook, in an interview:

“The thought process was all about: ‘How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?’, and that means that we need to sort of give you a little dopamine hit every once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a photo or a post or whatever and that’s going to get you to contribute with more content, and that’s gonna get you more likes and comments. […] It’s a social validation feedback loop. Exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with because you are exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology. 

I think that the inventors, the creators –  it’s me, it’s Mark [Zuckerberg], Kevin Systrom at Instagram, it’s all of these people –  understood this, consciously, and we did it anyway. […] It literally changes your relationship with society, with each other. It probably interferes with productivity in weird ways. God only knows what it’s doing to our children’s brains.”

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Anger:

[Enter Timmy (Attention Span: 0.514 seconds)]

Timmy: Hmm… Mr. Narrator, what if we used behavior in a good way? That could be amazing! Imagine if we created only good responses and good behavior through technology—the world would be perfect!

Narrator 4: No, Timmy, you silly boy. That’s exactly what defines fascism! As Noam Chomsky beautifully said:

“As to its social implications, Skinner’s science of human behavior, being quite vacuous, is as congenial to the libertarian as to the fascist. […]

There is little doubt that a theory of human malleability might be put to the service of totalitarian doctrine.”

So let me tell you a story, little Timmy.

Timmy: Hooray!

Narrator 4: Once upon a time, a group of powerful people asked themselves:

“How can we profit from other people’s time in a more exploitative and modern way?

We’ve tried enslaving them, putting them in factories… But they didn’t quite like it.”

“We know what to do!” they said. “Let’s make them become the factory!”

“That way, they’ll use all of their time to produce and consume each other’s content.

(We’ll ring some hearts and bells in case they forget to work.)

Perfect. And every time they use our tools, we’ll gather their data and sell it.

Even better—let’s sell them more products based on the data they’re generating!”

Those people became very rich, Timmy. And the others? They found themselves endlessly creating and consuming content, constantly seeking validation.

Byung-Chul Han was right: Self-exploitation. But even better – others profiting from that exploitation.

Do you feel connected, Timmy?

I bet you do. 

But what does “connected” mean?

Seeing death 24/7. Feeling bad about missing an event. I fear that you are connected to the machine, not to the people.

“Connect the dots,” they say. Yes, the dots are connected: You’ve put dopamine guns into our hands.

Stupid little monkeys seeking affection.

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Acceptance:

So… What is to be done?

Here’s the thing. What were our vulnerabilities?

• We formed habits around these technologies because they followed the formula of habit formation: easy, accessible, and pleasurable activities.
• These habits consumed our time, shortened our attention spans, and increased our daily distractions.
• This technology isolated us. It led us to live inside a digital space, spending less time and giving less attention to our physical relationships.

1. Let’s cultivate our attention.

Why:

As the Catalan psychologist Antonio Blay beautifully explained, situations and stimuli don’t depend on us, but our responses to those situations – whatever they may be – do. Control of our reactions is only possible when we are fully awake. When we are half-dazed, half-asleep – which is unfortunately what most of us call our “normal” state – habits take over. We only become aware of our responses after they’ve happened. Paying attention is therefore essential, because it allows us to go beyond the automatic mechanisms that govern us. It enables us to intervene, to become the one who creates the response, to decide to create it. We must cultivate our attention and free ourselves from conditioning – that is the lesson.

How:

It’s simple: play a game with yourself. Observe what happens around you – or within you – and then observe how you respond. Ask yourself:

• Is this how I want to respond?
• Is this what I want to do?

Over time, you’ll start to recognize behaviors inherited from society, from your parents, or from the technologies you use – behaviors you may not even like. Don’t be hard on yourself. Kindly choose to act differently next time. If you’re paying enough attention, when it happens again, you will be able to choose your response.

2. Let’s make it hard, inaccessible, and unpleasant to fall into toxic digital habits.

How:

Experiment and find what works best for you. The idea is to reclaim your agency – “hack” the tools that hack your psychology – and redirect the time spent on these devices toward more fulfilling activities and relationships. Here are some practical suggestions:

• Instead of relying on an algorithm to feed you content, curate your own list of meaningful, ideally non-digital, resources: books, podcasts, interviews, or poems. Replace mindless consumption with mindful, limited engagement. Consume less, but reflect more. Write about what you’ve taken in, apply it, and let it shape your thinking. Wisdom comes not from volume, but from depth.
  
• Set up digital barriers. Try things like:
  • Redirecting distracting apps to more enriching ones (e.g., opening X redirects you to your e-reader).
  • Blocking or redirecting websites you overuse.
  • Setting timers or reminders after a certain amount of phone use.
  • Switching your phone to grayscale mode.
  • Disabling JavaScript on specific sites to disrupt addictive loading patterns.
    
• Make a list of substitute activities. Ensure they are easy, accessible, and enjoyable – this is key to forming new habits. Use visual cues like arrows to show the transition: for example, “Twitter → reading a book”, or “commenting on posts → writing poetry”. The goal is to make these alternatives intuitive so you can choose them before falling back into old patterns.
  
• Leave your phone in an inconvenient spot when entering or leaving home. Use it only with a specific purpose in mind, and turn it off when you’ve completed that task.
• Give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing. This is called rest – something we’ve all but forgotten. If boredom arises, welcome it. The worst outcome of doing nothing is simply… Nothing.
• Practice meditation in whatever form suits you: metta, zazen, body scan, mantra, or kirtan. Many guided meditations are available online. Meditation helps sharpen attention, foster inner silence, and restore peace.
• Accept your setbacks. If you find yourself scrolling again, don’t punish yourself. Guilt only reinforces the cycle. Acknowledge what happened and gently try again. Your goal doesn’t need to be perfection—maybe it’s simply to replace 70% of your phone time with more nourishing alternatives.

And most importantly – and this is what separates this from just another self-help list – approach all of this with curiosity, not control. You’re not trying to dominate yourself, but to rediscover yourself.

3.  Let’s act collectively – replace convenience with coexistence. This is urgent.

Why:

African culture offers a profound concept that captures this idea: “I am because we are.” Known as Ubuntu, it reflects the truth that our existence and essence are rooted in others. The idea of complete self-reliance is an illusion – well-documented and easy to disprove. Just ask yourself: “How many people were needed for you to be where you are today?” Your parents, your teachers, your friends – we are all here because of others. It’s time we accept that reality and start caring for the connections that sustain us.

Convenience looks like this:

• Not dealing with others while still benefiting from their labor.
• Withholding what we could share in the face of inequality.
• Stepping on others to get ahead.
• Distancing ourselves from those who think differently.
• Fearing others simply because we don’t understand them.
• Hating others because it’s easier than admitting that what we hate in them might exist in us.
• Judging people instead of recognizing that, given their circumstances, we might have done the same.
• Buying cheap clothes while ignoring the exploitation behind them.
• Exploiting the earth because it’s easier than living in harmony with it.

Coexistence, by contrast, looks like this:

• Creating together.
• Listening to one another.
• Asking for and offering help.
• Sharing resources.
• Caring for each other.
• Engaging with opposing ideas and finding common ground.
• Understanding that hurting others also harms us.
• Protecting nature, recognizing it as part of who we are.

How:

Let’s build real communities – physical, local, and grounded.

• Start by looking for groups in your area: student organizations, art centers, reading clubs, public forums, demonstrations, collectives, sports teams, philosophy circles, etc.
• Share your concerns with the group. Ask for help. Collaborate. Shift the way we see the world, together.
• Form your own group within a larger one that fits your needs and interests.
• Act locally. Observe what needs to change in your community and take conscious steps to make it happen.
• Use online tools wisely – for organizing physical gatherings, not replacing them.
• Online communities can connect us globally, but remember: spending an entire day in digital spaces still leads to isolation. Physical presence is essential for real connection. If online groups help, that’s great – just stay grounded in the physical world too.

4.  Let’s make art, not content.

Why:

Finally, here is one thing I found: Content does not truly reflect what we really are. Content is typically made with the viewer in mind, aligned with the status quo. It is literally our “persona” (see Jung’s archetype): “If I put the thumbnail like this, they will click. If I say this, they will like it. If something horrible is posted, the algorithm will promote it for reactions. Etc.” The majority of content preserves and promotes mediocrity, superficiality, and complacency. Meanwhile art (not to be defined), points to self or collective profound expression. It points to the unknown, to something that challenges our ideas. It makes us grow, and it grows with attention. 

How: 

There are plenty of arts you can try and everyone has their own artistic process (you can get inspired by looking into others’ artist processes), but basically what we want is to: 

• Find a space without distractions (the quieter the better).
• Set a time slot where you will focus on creating something (remember, you don’t have to finish it).
• Create freely without judging or thinking about what others will think, without worrying whether it’s good or bad. If you like writing, you can try automatic writing, where you write without thinking consciously.
• Enjoy.

If you feel the urge to share your work, I recommend sharing it with others physically, or through art platforms that are fair to artists. I also recommend creating with other people. You might see beautiful blends of different means of expression emerge. This is a powerful way to discover something great about yourself: A channel through which you can express what is within you.

If you are to take anything from this text, let it be these three words: 

Attention. Collective. Action. 

This is the map, but you have to explore the terrain. There are plenty of things to do. You would be amazed by what beautiful bonds can result from a group of people without distractions.

This is a message for all the people who feel the world is a mess. Let’s make sense of it together.

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• AI and the Battle for Communication
  On control of communication
• Operating in a Bitcoin World
  On the new monetary order
• Beyond Political Nostalgia
  On hope as a political force
• The New Age of Caesars
  On the end of liberal democracy
• Social Media: Five Stages of Grief
  On reclaiming our attention

About the author

Manuel Lallana Babiloni is an interdisciplinary artist concerned about connectivity, social media and collaboration. He uses sound art to develop experiences that cultivate collective creativity.

He has just launched ‘Third Spaces Barcelona’ – open-access gatherings to debate, decide, and act.